Audiobook – Sterilization

Is it pretentious to call 12 minutes an audiobook? Definitely.

Direct link for anyone who wants to hear this pretentious audiobook (and a text version) can be found below.

I think I may have found my optimal way to deliver stories to an as of yet unformed audience, and I shall be doing so by using my own voice to do audio versions of my stories. People can’t be bothered to read any more (which, ya know, I wont take myself out of that), and audiobooks have become a legitimate way to enjoy literature. This allows me to produce more content and go a little off the menu and experiment with characters, worldbuilding and narrative. The magazine market is a harsh business, and editors are forced to reject tons of great stories every day. In here, I have greater freedom to do what I want, and I can build an audience that fits me instead of a specific magazine. I’ll still be trying to get some more traditional stories published, though.


Link to the audio version of this.

Link to the text version of this.

Rolling Table: Golems

As I said, here is the second table for today. Rest assured I am still writing things. This one is for Golems and Automata. You can check out more awesome tables at this subreddit.



**d12 This [Appearance] Golem:**

1. tiny

2. compact

3. humanoid

4. four-legged

5. enormous

6. shifting

7. thickset

8. willowy

9. round

10. foldable

11. paunchy

12. slight

**d70 is made of:**

1. Clay

2. Rock

3. Iron

4. Steel

5. Titanium

6. Orichalcum

7. Glass

8. Bone and Tooth

9. Ivory

10. Wood

11. Chalk

12. Ice

13. Gold

14. Silver

15. Bronze

16. Copper

17. Brass

18. Dirt

19. Grass and Vines

20. Sky Iron

21. Scarletite

22. Diamond

23. Garnet

24. Amethyst

25. Flesh

26. Shaped Souls

27. Quartz

28. Obsidian

29. Chains

30. Ash

31. Gears

32. Magmatic Rock

33. Mud

34. Web

35. Demonic Flesh

36. Scales

37. Dragonbone

38. Hellfire

39. Sand

40. Marble

41. Books

42. Straw

43. Coral

44. Amber

45. Shadow

46. Lightning

47. Blood Glob

48. Rope and String

49. Jelly

50. Wax

51. Water

52. Slate

53. Plastic

54. Fur

55. Quicksilver

56. Honey

57. Locusts

58. Paper

59. Fabric

60. Vapour

61. Copper

62. Aluminium

63. Platinum

64. Tin

65. Gravestone

66. Brick

67. Springs

68. Feathers

69. Vegetables

70. Sponge

**d20 Powered by:**

1. Clockwork

2. Steam

3. Bound Souls

4. A magical-mechanical rune system

5. Divine Will

6. A purpose inherent to the universe

7. Arcane Force

8. A system of weight lifts and pendulums

9. Life Essence

10. Electricity

11. Tapping into mana veins

12. A reality shaping force or spell

13. Elementals

14. String to a puppet master

15. Sunlight

16. Food

17. A symbiote

18. Fuel combustion

19. The wind

20. Liquid pumps

**d6 It’s:**

1. brand new

2. recent

3. been around for a while

4. old

5. very old

6. ancient

**d70 It was built for:**

1. Mining

2. Guarding

3. Soldiering

4. Defending

5. Forging

6. Alchemy

7. Carrying

8. Searching

9. Intimidating

10. Storing Knowledge

11. Aesthetics

12. Hunting

13. Collecting

14. Farming

15. Constructing

16. Transporting

17. Policing

18. Exploring

19. Advising

20. Arena Fighting

21. Healing

22. Powering

23. Entertaining

24. Sexual Gratification

25. Teaching

26. Guiding

27. Recording

28. Drawing

29. Observing

30. Holding

31. Exterminating

32. Brewing

33. Tabulating

34. Informing

35. Illuminating

36. Fetching

37. Handling

38. Taming

39. Playing

40. Cooking

41. Sorting

42. Casting Spells

43. Grave Digging

44. Investigating

45. Breaking Things Down

46. Maintaining

47. Cutting

48. Protesting

49. Heating

50. Road Building

51. Climbing

52. Stealing

53. Consuming

54. Reciting

55. Accounting

56. Following

57. Reading

58. Shearing

59. Tanning

60. Assembling

61. Monitoring

62. Flight

63. Keeping Secrets

64. Deciphering

65. Spelljamming

66. Sealing

67. Sparring

68. Generating

69. Enchanting

70. Grinding

**d20 By:**

1. a priest

2. a lich

3. a mage

4. an artisan

5. a god

6. a demon

7. a warlord

8. a factory

9. a general

10. a king

11. nature

12. a druid

13. an alchemist

14. a scholar

15. a cultist

16. a dragon

17. a merchant

18. a criminal

19. an ealdorman

20. an experimenter

**d8 Who imbued or equipped it with:**

1. knowledge (d6): 1. magic; 2. creatures and plants; 3. alchemy and medicine 4. strategy and tactics; 5. economics and craftsmanship; 6. people and cultures

2. social skill (d6): 1. human-level speech; 2. true empathy; 3. an ability to manipulate; 4. language translation; 5. group psychology; 6. body language

3. gadget (d6): 1. a grappling hook; 2. an automatic saw; 3. a powerful lamp; 4. a trap placer; 5. a number of hidden compartments; 6. a gyroscope of perfect balance

4. sense (d6): 1. night vision; 2. magical sensitivity; 3. acute senses; 4. presence of spirits, demons and curses; 5. lie detection; 6. absolute direction

5. emotion (d6): 1. rage; 2. melancholy; 3. sadness; 4. happiness; 5. fear; 6. hatred

6. character trait (d6): 1. compassion; 2. rudeness; 3. curiosity; 4. aggressiveness; 5. joyfulness; 6. mischievousness

7. force (d6): 1. demonic; 2. holy; 3. elemental; 4. arcane; 5. wild; 6. void

8. special ability (d6): 1. self-repair; 2. extreme temperature and environmental resistance; 3. self-destruct sequence; 4. perfect memory; 5. alternate form; 6. gain additional armour or summon a protective force field

**d40 A distinguishing feature is:**

1. an extra pair of limbs

2. a vibrant and unusual colour

3. the complete lack of any facial features

4. an inability to move

5. a set of predatory fangs

6. a section that has been repaired with a different material

7. glowing runes

8. instructions written in a strange script displayed prominently

9. rich and elaborate decorations

10. the crest or sigil of a noble house or organization

11. a face made to resemble a real living or dead person

12. brightly shining eyes

13. a head shaped to resemble an animal’s

14. part of the head is shaped to resemble a crown

15. also being prominently built of another material (roll again on materials table)

16. it is designed to look like a statue

17. obviously made by an amateur

18. parts are chipped off or well worn

19. colour differences seem to indicate being made in different stages

20. it is inlayed with gems and precious metals

21. magical strains and strings are visible

22. it is overgrown

23. it is wearing clothes

24. a lack of eyes

25. its material is polished to almost mirror-like qualities

26. its material was shaped to resemble a fancy hairstyle

27. elaborate scrollwork

28. carrier bags

29. a single Cyclopean eye

30. oddly shaped shoulders

31. a veil

32. hooks and eyelets placed all over

33. a custom suit of armour

34. etched geometric or themed patterns

35. it’s covered in fur

36. reinforced joints

37. some of the inner workings is visible

38. a fan or chutes for heat dissipation

39. it’s designed to resemble a mythical creature

40. a strange hum emanating from its core

**d4 The Golem can defend itself:**

1. Melee (d6): 1. a massive hammer; 2. unarmed combat; 3. sharp twin blades; 4. a trident or spear; 5. a broadsword; 6. a battleaxe

2. Ranged (d6): 1. a fixed repeater crossbow; 2. a mounted grenade launcher; 3. a blade or shuriken thrower in the wrist; 4. a flamethrower; 5. a directed force coil; 6 a liquid spray

3. Magic (d6): 1. Elemental Force; 2. Holy Smiting; 3. Necrotic Corruption; 4. Arcane Energy; 5. Terrible Curses; 6. Wild Power

4. It can’t

**d6 It looks like:**

1. it’s pristine

2. it’s well-maintained

3. it’s seen active duty

4. it could use some maintenance

5. it should be repaired, soon

6. it’s barely holding together

Rolling Table: Prohibition Era Mobsters

I do a lot of these lately, but don’t worry: while I’ll post another one in  just a few minutes, there’s some writing coming donw the pipe, plus a new special project.


This one is for all your tommy-gun weilding, bootlegging New Yorker needs. If anyone in my non-readership knows some proper dice tools that actually work or how to roll these automatically, I would appreciate that.



d12 This mobster is a:

1. sleazy

2. barrel-chested

3. tall and handsome

4. compact

5. gangly

6. sharp-featured

7. herculean

8. round-bellied

9. short

10. strong-jawed

11. wiry

12. stone-faced

d12 race:

1. Italian

2. Jew

3. Irishman

4. Gypsy

5. Cockney

6. Black man

7. Pole

8. Chinese

9. Scandinavian

10. German

11. old-blood American

12. Spaniard

d20 wearing:

1. a pin-stripe suit

2. a tuxedo

3. a tweed suit

4. a double-breasted coat

5. a shirt and suspenders

6. a waistcoat

7. a sweater

8. a three piece suit

9. an overcoat

10. a wide shirt and knickerbockers

11. an open-collared shirt

12. a herringbone suit

13. a houndstooth suit

14. blue jeans and a t-shirt

15. a tucked-in shirt

16. an open jacket with a shirt

17. a tank top

18. a satin-trimmed worsted suit

19. a raccoon fur coat

20. a polo shirt

d12 coloured (optional):

1. Midnight Blue

2. Sky Blue

3. Bistre

4. Sienna

5. Pine Green

6. Dark Spring Green

7. Teal

8. Black

9. Charcoal

10. Slate

11. Beige

12. Burgundy

d40 and a:

1. leather holster

2. matching tie

3. fedora

4. odd bowtie

5. lucky rabbit’s foot

6. colourful pocket square

7. bowler hat

8. fancy belt buckle

9. white silk handkerchief

10. soft-crowned hat

11. panama hat

12. top hat

13. homburg

14. bold necktie

15. flatcap

16. trillby

17. newsboy cap

18. pork pie hat

19. boater hat

20. boutonnière

21. Oxford shoes

22. deerstalker cap

23. big cigar

24. white gloves

25. round glasses

26. mail bag

27. poorly stitched rip near the elbow

28. expensive ring

29. detachable collar

30. galoshes

31. spectator shoes

32. horn-rimmed glasses

33. oddly coloured shoelaces

34. expensive pocket watch

35. eye patch

36. lapel pin

37. gold chain

38. wooden leg

39. earring

40. scarf

d40 He has:

1. a big, bushy beard

2. mismatched eyes

3. a noticeable birthmark on his face

4. a bald head

5. a lisp

6. gleaming white teeth

7. a boisterous laugh

8. a respectable moustache

9. a clear scar across his face

10. a conk

11. grey streaks in his hair

12. a lazy eye

13. a crooked nose

14. bulging eyes

15. freckles

16. a limp in his walk

17. only nine (or fewer) fingers

18. a hairy chest

19. a ponytail

20. bloodshot eyes

21. acne

22. burn scars on his cheek

23. a stooping posture

24. watery eyes

25. a defined jawline

26. a pointy chin

27. a disfigured ear

28. expressive eyebrows

29. an unusually large tongue

30. dishevelled hair

31. a raspy voice

32. a strange aura of danger around him

33. fluid and controlled movements

34. bags under the eyes

35. a beaked nose

36. a tattoo on his biceps

37. a twitch in his neck

38. stitches on his hands

39. alluring eyelashes

40. a bulging Adam’s apple

d10 and carries:

1. a switchblade

2. a derringer revolver

3. a tommy gun

4. a sniper rifle

5. a colt

6. a hatchet

7. a sawed-off shotgun

8. a luger

9. a pump-action shotgun

10. a bat

d12 He is primarily involved with:

1. racketeering

2. bootlegging

3. fencing

4. smuggling

5. assassinations

6. bookmaking

7. money-lending

8. robberies

9. Opium trade

10. bribery

11. con jobs and heists

12. prostitution

d6 where he has the position of:

1. kingpin

2. underboss

3. trusted veteran

4. wise guy

5. basic muscle

6. frequent associate

d60 he is known for (may be a rumour, or may be a fact known to few or no people):

1. being a lover of jazz music

2. being strongly opposed to the suffragette movement

3. being an ardent feminist

4. being an open racist

5. freely and frequently associating with people of other races

6. liking children… a little too much

7. being a sadist

8. being highly reliable

9. being a party animal

10. having severe anger issues

11. having killed his brother/sister

12. being highly religious

13. being a nihilist

14. being a drunk

15. being vindictive

16. being a former cop

17. helping the poor

18. being generous

19. being a kleptomaniac

20. constantly lying

21. believing in the supernatural

22. refusing to hurt animals

23. being adamant about not hurting women or children

24. suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

25. being a functional schizophrenic

26. only wearing a certain colour

27. being openly gay

28. being obsessed with tidiness and symmetry

29. being deaf

30. reading in every spare moment, and thus always carrying a book

31. being an amazing dancer

32. being a painter

33. playing an instrument very well

34. being an outdoorsman and hiker

35. having an irrational fear of dogs

36. having an irrational fear of cats

37. being a successful competitive boxer

38. being a nigh-invincible poker player

39. having a beautiful singing voice

40. irrationally hating a certain colour

41. owning an unusual pet

42. being very paranoid

43. always eating something

44. being a vegetarian

45. being a klutz

46. being punctual like clockwork

47. being quick-witted and snappy

48. correcting people’s grammar

49. rarely talking

50. being extremely lucky

51. being a cannibal

52. being an exhibitionist

53. being a shroom addict

54. being a masochist

55. being a thrillseeker

56. frequenting cinemas a lot

57. being a Peeping Tom on young women

58. having poor hygiene

59. being loud

60. being a pyromaniac

d35 he is a great asset because he:

1. speaks a second language

2. has legal expertise

3. is a brilliant shot

4. has ties to overseas groups

5. has a college education

6. has ties to law enforcement

7. never breaks under pressure

8. is a calculus genius

9. has an uncanny ability to get rid of bodies

10. seems like a mind reader

11. has fantastic memory

12. is extremely strong

13. is lightning-quick

14. can improvise an act on the spot

15. has fantastic sleight of hand

16. has an acute sense of direction

17. is a strategic genius

18. knows how to make explosives

19. is a gunsmith

20. is an excellent driver

21. is completely and unquestionably loyal

22. has medical knowledge

23. is a natural diplomat

24. knows how to break people out of jail

25. is an amazing interrogator

26. can sneak around without making a sound

27. is a master of disguise

28. has almost superhuman stamina and durability

29. has reflexes like a cat

30. is a locksmith

31. knows a lot about the natural world

32. has weaponized his reputation

33. is great at shadowing people

34. has great knowledge of construction and architecture

35. has no remorse

d20 his greatest weakness is:

1. his family

2. a disability

3. his greed

4. his lust

5. his gambling addiction

6. being in debt

7. his secret of not being heterosexual

8. his interracial relations

9. someone he has killed years ago

10. his overconfidence

11. his substance addiction

12. being a well-known serial killer

13. his boasting

14. his mental state

15. his bloodlust

16. his carelessness

17. his gluttony

18. his readiness to easily trust people

19. his lack of close allies

20. his life-long feud

Pen and Paper rolling table: Mercenaries

Yes, I do rolling tables now from time to time. This one is for all your mercenary needs: Be it solo warriors or company troubadours, whip out the random number generator your choice and it will spew out the basis for a very interesting character or some atmospheric flavour for your campaign. This was also posted on Reddit, and I highly recommend you check it out. Especially if you’re a GM, this subreddit is for you. Not to mention they have a fancy bot who will roll for you.


d20 This mercenary is a:

1: grizzled outlaw

2: lifelong wanderer

3: disillusioned deserter

4: bawdy adventurer

5: cold professional

6: glory-seeking soldier of fortune

7: seeker of knowledge and experiences

8: proud warrior on a quest to find a worthy opponent

9: commoner looking to make some easy money

10: loveable scoundrel

11: reputable veteran

12: bloodthirsty sadist

13: ascended beggar

14: hardened refugee

15: a former member of a disbanded army

16: devious sellsword

17: on a quest to cleanse the world of bandits or monsters

18: dishonoured city watchman

19: a runaway slave

20: merchant who has taken up killing

d8 their skillset is that of a: (optional: add a coin flip)

1: Warrior or Barbarian

2: Hunter or Trapper

3: Rogue or Assassin

4: Mage or Enchanter

5: Healer or Alchemist

6: Monster Hunter or Exterminator

7: Gladiator or Duellist

8: Cleric or Bard

d10 their primary weapon is a:

1: Longsword

2: Battleaxe

3: Scimitar

4: Halberd

5: Bow

6: Shortsword and Dagger

7: Crossbow

8: Warmace

9: Staff

10: Hammer

d8 which stands out for being:

1: covered in mysterious runes

2: made of an unusual material

3: emitting a supernatural hum or glow

4: obviously mastercrafted

5: of foreign design

6: poorly maintained and dirty

7: battered to the point of breaking

8: engraved with a name

d6 they are also good at:

1: Knowledge (d6:) 1. Legends and Foklore; 2. Languages; 3. Military Strategy and Logistics; 4. Politics and High Society; 5. Street Code; 6. Engineering

2: Game (d6): 1. Cards; 2. Dice; 3. Arm Wrestling; 4. Board Strategy; 5. Slap Jack; 6. Horseshoe Throwing

3: Secondary weapon (d6): 1. Throwing Knives; 2. Javelin; 3. Flail; 4. Unarmed Combat; 5. Darts; 6. Whip

4: Performing art (d6): 1. Singing; 2. Dancing; 3. Storytelling; 4. Acting; 5. Juggling; 6: Playing an Instrument

5: Craftsmanship (d6): 1. Smithing; 2. Construction; 3. Tailoring; 4. Brewing; 5. Carpenting; 6. Cooking

6: Adventuring skill (d6): 1. Geography or Navigation; 2. Lockpicking; 3. Equipment Maintenance; 4. Shadowing; 5. Riding; 6. Trade

d40 their main distinguishing feature is:

1: unusually light or heavy armour

2: colourful clothing

3: a disfiguring facial scar

4: an unwillingness to do certain types of jobs

5: obvious foreign origin

6: a strange hairstyle or colour

7: exuding an aura of fear/respect/professionalism

8: looking a remarkably similar to a certain criminal being searched for a few towns over

9: always being either drunk or hungover

10: an unusual level of attractiveness

11: flaunting expensive jewellery

12: having an unusual fighting style

13: wearing protective charms and amulets

14: talking very little

15: displaying the colours of his liege or realm of origin

16: always looking to bed someone

17: extreme profanity

18: having a pet

19: very bad teeth

20: smoking a pipe

21: being very old

22: sporting religious symbols

23: a loud, penetrating voice

24: currently wounded

25: wearing a trophy

26: carrying a small book in a satchel

27: fat

28: heterochromatic

29: speech impediment

30: always eating something

31: wears an eyepatch

32: walks with a limp

33: clad in black

34: good with children

35: looking depressed or dead inside

36: missing an ear

37: clothed inappropriately for the weather

38: spitting on the ground a lot

39: an annoying laugh

40: constantly fidgeting with a coin

d4 their level of competence is:

1: Poor

2: Average

3: Good

4: Excellent

d6 their pricing is:

1: Unbelievably cheap

2: Low

3: Affordable

4: Above average

5: High

6: Exorbitant

The White Knight

So this is something I worked on for a while now, and I feel it’s ready to see the light of day. I usually write stuff without direct political statements, but this is something I felt had to be written. More stories in a similar vein are in the works, though they will focus on other aspects of the cancer that is Authoritarian Feminism, so please consider stalking me on Twitter or following this blog (if that is possible, I genuinely don’t know).

This is a PDF of “The White Knight”

If requested (and explained to me), I can probably offer it in other formats, but I don’t see why anyone wouldn’t be able to read PDFs. Also, if you could get all of your accounts banned everyhwere spamming this spread the word a little, it would mean a lot to me.


Thank you very much for reading,

Gwydion JMF Weber,

XCOM 2 Countdown Calendar: Luis “Stud” Suarez (RELEASE DAY BONUS!)

Today, XCOM 2 is going live, and there’s nothing to do but wait and congratulate Australia on 30.000 new temporary citizens. Although, it is true that nobody can be expected to wait these last few hours, I have a final surprise for all of you people who have followed the series these past 19 weeks (and the people that just returned to this subreddit for the first time in years): a final installment in the countdown calendar. Check out the collection of all installments at the bottom of this page.

An encounter with:

Luis “Stud” Suarez, from Argentina

Just off a call with his agent, Suarez seems to be in a great mood.

“I don’t mess around with what I do: I’m a porn star. I’m not just your everyday fucking machine, there to satisfy the real star of the show, I’m a main act of my own. I’m like Ron Jeremy, but I mix porn and politics, and I shoot up aliens with a bunch of awesome people when I get the chance. It’s a tough business, especially if what you do is highly illegal. Not porn, mind you, ADVENT isn’t stupid enough to ban basic human instincts, but fucking a freakishly long-legged woman dressed up as a snake while someone dressed as a sectoid sucks on your feet and jacks himself off: that’s pretty illegal, and it’s a lot of fun. We recently made a porn parody where I had make-up on to make me look like one of those old thin men, and I was being sucked off by three sexy ladies in ADVENT uniforms. They made my cum look like a cloud of poisonous spores with CGI, it was awesome. Pornography is really a space where people allow themselves more than they would normally. I mean, everybody masturbates, everybody watches porn, but nobody wants to admit it, because it’s such a private thing. You allow your mind to go places that just aren’t that well respected in polite society, so you’re right in the corner of your mind where you have doubts about all the checkpoints and surveillance programmes and guys with huge guns taking a stroll through your perfectly middle-class neighbourhood. Porn is a different state of mind. It’s a safe space, if you will, a place where you can think whatever you want while doing whatever you want, meaning things that are, for some reason, socially unacceptable. Of course, distributing anti-establishment porn is difficult as fuck. With the twenty-first century came the porn revolution: everything was on the internet, real porn movies pretty much died out completely, and now ADVENT controls the internet, so we have to compete with that market, still selling hard copies. Of course there are ways of accessing our stuff over the web, but only tech-savvy people know how to do that, and I want to attract those who aren’t already on board with the resistance. The great thing about it is that, once the hard copies are distributed, people will hide them better than any other dissenting material. Orwell’s 1984 may find a spot on your huge office bookshelf, maybe with the saddle facing the wall, but you can’t do that with a porn DVD. That’s not literature, it’s porn, and people have developed techniques for hiding porn so sophisticated that not even Sherlock Holmes could crack them!”

Suarez laughs.

“I can see that look on your face. You expected me to be stupid, because I do porn. I’m a mindless fucking machine, but why do you think I got into this business? A Master’s Degree in Consumer Psychology doesn’t pay for itself, you know. It’s probably one of the greatest things I learned in college: Working hard and working jobs that have little to no prestige, and then making something great out of it. Seriously, it’s an invaluable life skill, and it’s the only reason I’m here right now! I fight for XCOM, because I want to push and new brand of revolutionary porn, and because I literally want to fuck with the aliens.”

XCOM 2 Countdown Calendar: Grant “Jackass” Chevrier (Week 19/19 #HYPETRAIN)

Since nobody can be expected to just sit and wait for XCOM 2 to come out, we’ll be having ourselves a little countdown for the last sunday left between us and salvation. Each week I’ll be showcasing another soldier living aboard the Avenger, who they are, and why exactly it is they fight for XCOM. When the game comes out, I’ll be creating all of these and release them as a content mod for your character pool. But for now, this’ll have to do.

Keep in my that this is all completely fanfiction-based and I am in no way affiliated with Firaxis. I just do this as a fun writing exercise, because I can.

An encounter with:

Grant “Jackass” Chevrier, from Canada

Chevrier is sitting in “his” armchair in the break room, skimming over an issue of the Playboy magazine from 2009.

“Fuck off asshole, I don’t wanna talk to you.”