Since nobody can be expected to just sit and wait for XCOM 2 to come out, we’ll be having ourselves a little countdown for the 19 sundays left between us and salvation. Each week I’ll be showcasing another soldier living aboard the Avenger, who they are, and why exactly it is they fight for XCOM. When the game comes out, I’ll be creating all of these and release them as a content mod for your character pool. But for now, this’ll have to do.
Keep in my that this is all completely fanfiction-based and I am in no way affiliated with Firaxis. I just do this as a fun writing exercise, because I can.
An encounter with:
Kate “Comedian” Buffoni, from the United States:
Buffoni is writing with a pen on her tablet computer. It’s ownership can be assessed by the large sticker on its backside, which simply says ‘mine’.
“I was the hottest shit in Montreal the year before they invaded, and that July, I went full supernova. Just a star made of faeces, exploding all over ADVENT, and that was before they even existed! I was thirteen, and I was a stand-up comic, which ended up being my downfall. I mean, cmon, I was doing time in New York’s most prestigious comedy clubs, the lowest rank of teenager, telling jokes to smelly, middle-aged drunk men while my parents were sitting in the back cheering at every punchline like I was the inquisition burning a witch at the stake. I was living the dream! But what’s there to talk about as a thirteen year old, really? Nobody cares that boys aren’t icky anymore, and the only place where I could make jokes about blood coming out of my pussy was this catholic church I sometimes went to.”
She places the tablet on the table and reveals what she has been working on. It’s an anthropomorphic penis with legs and testicles fashioned to resemble a voluptuous rear with another penis sticking out of it.
“You thought I was writing jokes? How can I make any surprising observations when someone is probably being eaten by a snake with tits right now? Sure, when the aliens first arrived there was some weird stuff to make jokes about, but with so much absurd shit happening every day now, nobody is surprised by anything anymore! ‘Oh, you wrote a joke about a drunk muton fucking a giant pig? Well, I saw a sectoid look through an actual god-damn hole in a guy’s chest yesterday!’. What am I supposed to say to that? ‘Yeah, but the muton grunted?’ That’s not a punchline, that’s a psychotic mind trying to cope with the fact that the world is no longer predictable. So what do you do if comedy is the only thing you’re good at? You vote Republican, because unlimited guns suddenly doesn’t sound like such a bad idea anymore, and then you make fun of the aliens with the most low-brow and politically charged humour possible. Rally some crowds, piss people off, make people be pissed off, piss on people, and have people piss on you until ADVENT knocks on your door and asks you to kindly apologize to their shotgun for making fun of their abusive husbands from another galaxy. And then you have some corpocrat tell you he could use your help writing propaganda for Cthulhu and the Martian Brothers, so you say yes, only to bolt at the first occasion, run around the woods for a few days and get shot by a bunch of assholes playing revolutionary army. And then you learn how to shoot from them, and you join the game. You and your buddies start shooting entire brothels worth of red light at people who are just doing their jobs, and then you almost die from having a kidney stone. Couldn’t be something funny, like cancer, nooooo. And then some eccentric billionaire with a fucking spaceship offers to save your life if you go with him to kill aliens all around the world. It’s not a simple plan, but if you follow it step by step, you’ll probably die, because why would you ever do any of these things? I fight for XCOM because the amount of death and destruction we see every day is hilarious, and soldiers need to laugh sometimes.”