XCOM 2 Countdown Calendar: Keshaun “Cutty” Randolph (Week 16/19)

DISCLAIMER: If the following content offends you, it would appear that you are the type of person who judges people by how they talk and where they are from instead of what they have to say. You have been warned.


Since nobody can be expected to just sit and wait for XCOM 2 to come out, we’ll be having ourselves a little countdown for the 3 sundays left between us and salvation. Each week I’ll be showcasing another soldier living aboard the Avenger, who they are, and why exactly it is they fight for XCOM. When the game comes out, I’ll be creating all of these and release them as a content mod for your character pool. But for now, this’ll have to do.

Keep in my that this is all completely fanfiction-based and I am in no way affiliated with Firaxis. I just do this as a fun writing exercise, because I can.

An encounter with:

Keshaun “Cutty” Randolph, from the United States


Randolph is in his bunk, listening to rap music with his self-made audio setup on custom headphones. He rocks his head back and forth so violently that him hitting the ceiling seems a legitimate concern. After the song is done, he is seems genuinely surprised that he is not the only person in the room.

“Let me tell y’all something before we start this shit: I ain’t got no idea what the nickname mean, aight? That was some white niggas down engineering who thought it’s funny ’cause I’m from Baltimore or some shit. Them mothafuckas be crazy if y’all ask me, but they got all them good machines. Precision plasma cutters, nanoassemblers, you name it. I also ain’t gon’ talk for hours about ‘The Game’ and how it changed or some bullshit, ’cause the fact of the matter is: The Game’s over, aight? Ain’t nobody playin’ The Game no more, Alien mothafuckas made sure o’ that.”

He lifts his legs onto the sofa, still sitting upright, and absent-mindedly begins playing with a nickel in his left hand.

“A nigga’s got to do what a nigga’s got to do. That’s just the way the universe is. Me and my West Baltimore niggas? We wasn’t from no fancy-ass rich families, we ain’t had no chances to advance in life, we ain’t learned nothing in school, cuz school don’t teach nothing worth learnin’. Y’all always used to hear rich folks on the TV talkin’ about the common playah, givin’ financial advice to us, but they don’t know what life down there is really like.”

Grimacing dramatic seriousness, he puts on a slightly over the top white American accent.

“Poor people need to work hard and make sure they don’t get mixed up in gangs. The American dream can work for them as much as it can work for anyone else. It’s like nigga do you even know what money is? If you ain’t part of no ‘gang’, you ain’t gon’ make any money, and if you don’t make money, you gon’ die of starvation. Ain’t nobody gon’ give no West Baltimore nigga a real job, mothafucka we have to push product to survive. But, I know, this shit is supposed to be about me, so I’m gon’ talk about me. I was sixteen when the Five-Oh put me in prison for icing the mothafucka who almost killed my sister. Turned out she was sellin’ her ass, which I never approved of, by the way, and he was a policeman who liked to beat black girls. He wadn’ even fired, but she killed herself while I was in the big house. When I came out seven years later, the world was changed, man. ADVENT mothafuckas wasn’t like police, they was way worse. They had all this bleedin’-edge technology and shit, surveillance drones, instant DNA samplers, scanners that could detect drugs you took years ago. But that wasn’t why they so dangerous. The old Five-Oh , they had to follow laws. Yeah, they ain’t never did that, but most of them were pretty alright people lookin’ back at it, just doing they jobs for mothafuckas who pretended they cared about ‘the poor neighbourhoods’. ADVENT didn’t give a shit about none o’ that. They hated us, and they did what they wanted all the time. Some product somewhere when they roll by? All niggas on the street go to jail. And if a nigga had product on him, they sometimes just shot him on the spot, cause they can. They also relocated poor people from all over, so we had all them white niggas, Latino niggas and some Asian niggas comin’ in, incitin’ race wars and shit. However, I was rolling with some Puertorican playas before I went to prison, and some suppliers were Polish, so I thought ‘Nah, we all niggas together, we all poor, we all disenfranchised’. And people got on board with that, even some former police was with us. We travelled round the country, just a few of us, starting riots and shit. People ain’t had nothin’ to lose no more, system was worse than it ever was. We made people go on the streets in Memphis, Miami and Detroit, and then these resistance niggas showed up. They thanked us for providing cover and makin’ a ruckus, and this one redneck commander said ‘when it comes to killing ADVENT, you’re all still amateurs. We wanted to ask you if you’re willing to go pro,’ so I said ‘nigga, where do I sign?’ I fight for XCOM for my fellow niggas all around the earth, because we ain’t got nothin’ to loose except our dignity!”

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