XCOM 2 Countdown Calendar: Luis “Stud” Suarez (RELEASE DAY BONUS!)

Today, XCOM 2 is going live, and there’s nothing to do but wait and congratulate Australia on 30.000 new temporary citizens. Although, it is true that nobody can be expected to wait these last few hours, I have a final surprise for all of you people who have followed the series these past 19 weeks (and the people that just returned to this subreddit for the first time in years): a final installment in the countdown calendar. Check out the collection of all installments at the bottom of this page.

An encounter with:

Luis “Stud” Suarez, from Argentina

Just off a call with his agent, Suarez seems to be in a great mood.

“I don’t mess around with what I do: I’m a porn star. I’m not just your everyday fucking machine, there to satisfy the real star of the show, I’m a main act of my own. I’m like Ron Jeremy, but I mix porn and politics, and I shoot up aliens with a bunch of awesome people when I get the chance. It’s a tough business, especially if what you do is highly illegal. Not porn, mind you, ADVENT isn’t stupid enough to ban basic human instincts, but fucking a freakishly long-legged woman dressed up as a snake while someone dressed as a sectoid sucks on your feet and jacks himself off: that’s pretty illegal, and it’s a lot of fun. We recently made a porn parody where I had make-up on to make me look like one of those old thin men, and I was being sucked off by three sexy ladies in ADVENT uniforms. They made my cum look like a cloud of poisonous spores with CGI, it was awesome. Pornography is really a space where people allow themselves more than they would normally. I mean, everybody masturbates, everybody watches porn, but nobody wants to admit it, because it’s such a private thing. You allow your mind to go places that just aren’t that well respected in polite society, so you’re right in the corner of your mind where you have doubts about all the checkpoints and surveillance programmes and guys with huge guns taking a stroll through your perfectly middle-class neighbourhood. Porn is a different state of mind. It’s a safe space, if you will, a place where you can think whatever you want while doing whatever you want, meaning things that are, for some reason, socially unacceptable. Of course, distributing anti-establishment porn is difficult as fuck. With the twenty-first century came the porn revolution: everything was on the internet, real porn movies pretty much died out completely, and now ADVENT controls the internet, so we have to compete with that market, still selling hard copies. Of course there are ways of accessing our stuff over the web, but only tech-savvy people know how to do that, and I want to attract those who aren’t already on board with the resistance. The great thing about it is that, once the hard copies are distributed, people will hide them better than any other dissenting material. Orwell’s 1984 may find a spot on your huge office bookshelf, maybe with the saddle facing the wall, but you can’t do that with a porn DVD. That’s not literature, it’s porn, and people have developed techniques for hiding porn so sophisticated that not even Sherlock Holmes could crack them!”

Suarez laughs.

“I can see that look on your face. You expected me to be stupid, because I do porn. I’m a mindless fucking machine, but why do you think I got into this business? A Master’s Degree in Consumer Psychology doesn’t pay for itself, you know. It’s probably one of the greatest things I learned in college: Working hard and working jobs that have little to no prestige, and then making something great out of it. Seriously, it’s an invaluable life skill, and it’s the only reason I’m here right now! I fight for XCOM, because I want to push and new brand of revolutionary porn, and because I literally want to fuck with the aliens.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: